Into Lspace
by unseenu
Summary: The ninth doctor encounters a TARDIS built with Discworld tech by the wizards of Unseen University,this story takes place after 'Rose' but before the doctor went back and said "Oh and did I mention it also travels in time"
1. Chapter 1

[Doctor who is owned by the BBC and Discworld is owned by Terry Pratchett]

Slowly and steadily the Doctor's ancient and impossible craft heaved itself through the vortex like a tug boat in an impossibly stormy sea. The engines roared their ancient song as the Doctor himself stood before the console slamming levers and pumps confidently into place. His leather jacket swayed wildly as he hopped from panel to panel in time with the the rising and falling of the time rotor. He slid some important dial into position and the g-forces acting on him increased slightly,suggesting that the TARDIS had changed gear.

There was a jolt that the Doctor was not expecting,and another,and another. Each time he was almost knocked to the floor by the sudden unexplained juddering,eventually he was sprawled over the console clinging for dear life as he waited for the gut wrenching turbulence to pass. With a sound like the mother of all computers powering down the console room was plunged into darkness and everything went deathly still.

The doctor got to his feet and pricked his ears against the silence,he heard nothing. He groped at the console looking for the light switch but stopped in mid grope as a new resounding sound filled the room. It was a very familiar sound,the groaning and wheezing of engines,but not his own. They sounded for all the world like TARDIS engines yet somehow otherworldly.

The noise died and for some inexplicable reason the lights snapped back on with a hum. The doctor looked around for the source of the noise and was immediately taken aback when he saw a wooden box sitting a few feet away as if it had always been there. It was about the size of a phone booth and a small lantern was set on its top. in a state of utter confusion the doctor crossed over to it and found one side of it to have doors. This side of the box was covered in writing,across the top in some strange language that the doctor had never read before was carved the message:

ANKH MORPORK CITY WATCH

"Where have I heard that before?" thought the doctor.

Scanning his eyes over the rest of the doors he noticed a small inset panel with a longer message in the same alien tongue. This one read:

WATCH CLACKS STATION

FREE FOR USE OF PUBLIC

WATCHMEN AND CARTS RESPOND TO ALL CALLS

The doctor gave a long 'Hmm' as he ran his fingers over the wooden surface of the sign,drawing on what he already knew from encounters with similar boxes,including his own. He grabbed at the inset panel and as he expected it swung open to reveal a little cupboard.

He had been expecting some advanced communication apparatus to be inside but was instead greeted by two wooden paddles that looked like malnourished ping pong bats. He reached inside and removed them from their stand,he turned them over in his hands for a while then replaced them. "Semaphore paddles,"he concluded.

He was just about to run his sonic over the strange parody of a police box when a door swung open and a bearded head poked out.

"Errm,hello?"said the head tentatively from beneath its rather sorry looking pointy hat. A word was scrawled across it which was translated right down to the misspelling by the TARDIS's clever circuitry.

"Hello!" the Doctor replied in his usual gleeful fashion, "I'm the Doctor and I can't help noticing you've landed inside my ship."

The head looked confused and vanished back into the recesses of the box,the doctor was certain he'd seen the strange man dressed as a wizard somewhere before.

From inside the box the doctor heard a rapid conversation and something which kept going 'Ook'. The head re-emerged and addressed the Doctor once more, "Ship?" it asked, "Have we come down somewhere in the circle sea?"

"I'm afraid not,"the doctor said, "This is a space-time ship like yours,a lot like yours by the looks of things."

"Impossible" snapped the man who the Doctor later found out was called Rincewind, "This is the first BARDIS ever built. I didn't refuse to volunteer for this bloody HEM project only to find that some other bugger has already built one. Why do I have to boldly go to absolutely certain death again when there was already some other bugger doing it for me?"

"BARDIS?"said the doctor in complete confusion, "May I ask what that stands for?"

"Why, Books and Relevant Dimensional Insertion Spell of course,"explained the Wizzard, "But you knew that already since you've obviously stolen our bloody plans."

Another bout of angry ooks erupted from inside the Watch box, "Hold your horses I'm dealing with it!" Rincewind shouted back to the mysterious ooker before turning back to the Doctor, "Look..."he sighed, "He says there's very little thaumic energy in this part of the multiverse so if we don't go back into L-space now we won't have enough thaums in the tanks to make it home."

"L-space?"mused the doctor to himself, "Is that anything like E-space?"

Another couple of irate ooks echoed from inside the box and Rincewind sighed again. After a while he said in a more polite tone, "Sorry,we really must go,nice to meet you Doctor."

With that Rincewind slammed the door of the box shut in the Doctor's face as a humming emanated from inside.

"Hold up I've got a few more questions!"the Doctor called as if the thing was driving away rather than standing still. He held his screwdriver up to the door of the watchbox and it swung open apologetically,just enough to allow him to slip inside and close the door.

He made it inside just in time,no sooner had the doors closed behind him the box vanished from the TARDIS console room with a flickering octarine glow and a faint smell of books...


	2. Chapter 2

The Doctor stared around in amazement at the interior of the thing which advertised itself to be a city watch box from the outside,what did not come as a surprise was that it was much larger on the inside. After jumping in and out of a dimensionally transcendental box for most of his lives the effect had rather lost its shock value.

He felt on very familiar ground as he surveyed the curious eight sided room,it was wooden panelled and in the centre stood an intricate oak table which resembled disturbingly the Doctor's own console. It even had the same crystal column rising and falling in time with their progress through time and space. Despite all this familiarity there was one aspect of the ship which the Doctor was utterly confounded by,this feature was namely a hulking orange primate which danced about the control panel working levers and twiddling dials with his furry limbs. That certainly explained the ooking he had heard a moment before.

Rincewind emerged from behind the console where he had previously been obscured from view,the strange metal tool he carried suggested he had been carrying out repairs of some sort. He expressed his surprise with a little noise that made the orang-utan pause in his frantic work and look round at the Doctor who stood near the doorway looking like a railway fanatic who had broken into the driver's cabin to get a better look.

"This is fantastic!"he said gleefully looking over at Rincewind, "Well done to you for building it,erm,what did you say your name was?"

The librarian rapidly ooked something to Rincewind to which he replied in a hushed whisper, "Shut it you! I don't think he's dangerous,he had a ship exactly like ours."

" I am Rincewind,"he continued, turning to the doctor, "Wizard,more or less,and coward first class at your service. This here is the librarian,I'm his assistant."

"You're the assistant to a mon...?"The Doctor was cut off by a loud cough and an evil glare from Rincewind.

The Doctor continued to glance around the interior of the ship,casting his expert eye over all the little details, "How does this thing fly anyway?"he asked,genuinely interested in the workings of the craft.

The librarian ooked a stern ook to Rincewind which he responded to with, "We might as well tell him now he's on board,besides he hasn't tried to kill me which is more than can be said for a lot of the people I meet on my wossnames that more naïve people call adventures."

Rincewind stepped toward the Doctor and ushered him over to the central console, "Welcome to BARDIS,"he began as if launching into a prepared speech, "I won't pretend to be an expert on it,I just ended up travelling in it because I didn't volunteer to. From what the librarian tells me they've lined the walls with powerful spellbooks,its so big in here because the words are stretching space,a similar thing happens in the University library. There's also some sentient spells in there which can teleport us into L-space. You do know what that is don't you?"

"'fraid not,that's that thing you mentioned before isn't it? I wouldn't mind hearing more about it,"said the doctor.

He decided not to pick up on the fact that Rincewind used the word spell to describe the workings of the ship. He knew that on many planets throughout the multiverse primitive cultures used some form of energy sensitive to psychic vibrations to achieve what would normally take a serious amount of technology,this art usually ended up being called magic.

The librarian ooked under his breath,annoyed that deep magical secrets were being revealed to some random man who'd barged his way in. 

"L-space is a dimension created by the power of books,"said Rincewind, "Books equals knowledge,knowledge equals power and power equals mass times distance squared over time cubed. Even I know that,"he added proudly.

The Doctor mulled the equation over in his mind,he couldn't deny it made perfec sense.

"Once we've materialised inside it all we have to do is pilot it through its corridors and bookworm holes to emerge anywhere in the multiverse and at any time. The spells levitate that crystal thing in the middle to indicate that they understand what we want them to do."

The Doctor nodded,fascinated by it all. "And one more thing,"he asked Rincewind, "What's an Ankh Morpork City watch box."

Rincewind sighed, "Oh yes the outside,its a clacks box from the early century of the fruitbat. Its a disguise. You don't see them much now."

"Bit of a stupid disguise then if you don't see them any more."The Doctor remarked.

"Yes,"said Rincewind, "The thing about that is when we first built this thing one of the spells we worked in was a morphic spell that was supposed to make the outside look like something local to blend in. But on our first run the spell burnt out the paper it was written on leaving us stuck with it looking like this."

"Yeah I know the feeling,"muttered the Doctor.

At his place on the controls the librarian ooked urgently and knocked some dials that notched up the speed at which the box tumbled through L-space,guided by the hidden broomsticks in the walls.

"Oh no,another thesaurus nipped us,if we weren't in this box it would have already indexed us and spat out the bones."said Rincewind.

"Ook!"ooked the Librarian excitedly slamming an important switch down. The crystal in the centre rose and fell in time with the roar of the engines which sounded almost identical to the Doctor's. A final splutter and the room fell silent.

"I think we're home Doctor,"said an unsure Rincewind.

The librarian flicked one of the more ordinary switches on the control panel,just a wire that ran under the floor and tugged the latch. The doors swung inwards gracefully allowing sunlight to stream in from outside. Seagulls chattered and the pungent,almost visible aroma of Ankh Morpork drifted over the Doctor's nostrils for the first time.


	3. Chapter 3

Curious as to what would greet him the Doctor stepped out of the BARDIS into the bustling little crime ridden market that was Sator square. The university's mighty octiron gates loomed over the scene as he was joined by Rincewind and the orangutan.

Rincewind fastened the box shut and left it to stand there looking quite inconspicuous,indeed there were much stranger things in the market than a wooden box with city watch markings on. In a city full of magical races and daily unexplained phenomena it took a lot for something to strike the citizens as being odd.

"Not a bad landing,"muttered Rincewind to the librarian, "Meters from where we want to be and on solid ground. That's a first."

The librarian ooked proudly.

"Interesting looking city you have here,"said the Doctor striding over to them, "What did you say it was called again Rincewind? ".

"Ankh Morpork of course,"the wizard replied incredulously, "Greatest city in the world? Ring any bells?"

"Yes it does and that's the problem,"continued the Doctor, "I've heard all about this place,all about you and the monk...you and the librarian, but only in fiction. That either means I'm having one detailed dream or you've pulled me through into your universe which is impossible. If I'm here then there must be some great disturbance in time and space breaking down the walls of reality."

"That sounds like an average day in this city Doctor,"replied Rincewind,cutting short the Doctor's dramatic speech of the sort that he was very used to making.

"Sounds like an average day in my life too,"admitted the Doctor as the librarian led the way through the gates and into the grand buildings of unseen university.

The Doctor gazed around amazed by everything he saw,the spectacular stonework,the wizards which hung around on every corner in little groups,the alarming bursts of random magic which coursed through the building.

"We're going to the high energy magic building Doctor,we have to report back to Ponder Stibbons,our project coordinator."explained Rincewind.

The Doctor nodded trying to remember details of the amusing fantasy novels that he had not read in centuries. They wound their way through corridors and emerged onto a large square of grass,on the edge of this,like an unpopular child on the edge of the playground,sat a bulging brick building. The Doctor followed them inside into the bizarre department of high energy magic. In the centre of the room packed with the latest pseudo-scientific equipment stood the wizard which the Doctor recognised from an illustration he once saw to be Ponder Stibbons,head of inadvisable applied magic.

"Good to see you have returned alive," Ponder said, "How did it go?"

Rincewind opened his mouth to give a report but was cut off by a babble of ooks from the Librarian,this was when Rincewind realised that Ponder had been looking at the librarian the whole time.

"Really? You encountered another one of these craft,how strange. "And this must be the man you mentioned,hello,erm,Doctor?" he replied turning to the Doctor.

"Yes that's me,hello Mister Stibbons. I've read all about you,would it be possible for me to have a look at your computer?whats it called? oh yes HEX!"

Ponder was taken aback, "HEX is in that room over there Doctor but where are you getting all this knowledge from?"

"Lets just say I have my sources,"he explained cryptically...

For the next ten minutes while Rincewind and the librarian related more of their travels to Ponder the Doctor was left alone to experiment with the mice and ant driven monstrosity that he had been fascinated by when he read about it in the fiction of a certain Mister Pratchett. After getting to grips with it he started running some calculations relating to where the TARDIS was in the multiverse and how he'd ever get home to it. The quill pen in its mechanical arm jiggled merrily back and forward printing out the wavy nonsensical figures of gallifreyan algebra. He sat in a chair watching HEX at work quietly coming to terms with the fact that he had a world that he always thought was fictional to explore.

His thoughts were interrupted by a commotion coming from outside,jumping up from the chair he left HEX ticking over and ran for the exit.

A growing crowd of wizards was gathering on the other side of the field,including Ponder and Rincewind. The Doctor pushed his way towards them,as is traditional during a commotion concerned whispers were being passed back and forth.

"What's going on?"he asked grasping from the way people were acting that something was not right.

Rincewind jostled his way to the Doctor and explained, "Some kind of magical anomaly,I've been up near the middle and there's this weird light trying to push through the floor."

The nearest wizards who were actually trying to address the problem rather than just gawking stood in a tight circle muttering all the holding spells they could think of. Ponder wandered back and forth

with a thaumometer that was oscillating wildly while the Doctor pushed his way into the circle of wizards that surrounded the cause of the disturbance. Light poured from a strange hole,obviously more of a hole in time than a hole in the floor,it had a curious jagged shape that would one day be all too familiar to the Doctor but for now it was just another oddity in the sea of illogic that was his life.

"Oh just your basic hole in time and space,"he said dismissively, " I can close it no bother."

He reached into his pocket and removed the little silver tube that was his sonic screwdriver,adjusted a setting then held it forward. The irritating whirring sound ushered forth and met the frequencies of the rip in a way that distorted the air painfully,the Doctor held the device at arms length and gritted his teeth with the effort of holding it still. The anomaly was stronger than he'd been expecting and it was slipping from his control,it was at this point that Rincewind appeared carrying his own silver tube and held it forward. With a tinny whistling sound Rincewind's tube shook and under the combined power of the two devices the rip shrivelled up and gave way to what on the Discworld passed for ordinary space.

"What is that thing?" the Doctor asked Rincewind with an air of admiration.

"Its a sonic tool,"explained Rincewind, "Developed for the BARDIS program,its basically a compact version of the BS Johnson organ capable of generating any tone you care to name. There's also a magic wand inside so you can solve any problem no matter how complicated just by waving it around."

"Exactly like mine then,"joked the Doctor.

Realising that the world was no longer in any imminent danger most of the wizards dispersed,annoyed that they were going to attend that extremely tedious lecture after all. Eventually only Rincewind and the Doctor were left ,Ponder and the Librarian had long since vanished to continue their work. This was when one final belch of ocatrine energy discharged itself from the hole that they thought was closed. It vanished into the air and relief swept over the two briefly,until the noise started. A horrible grinding sound was heard from outside the university,it sounded like a machine in pain.

"The BARDIS!"yelled Rincewind as he began to run,the Doctor followed without a second thought. "That burst of magic must have overloaded it!"

The pair bound through the corridors that they had arrived by and out into Sator Square. Rincewind jabbed his sonic tool into the air and the doors swung open. The two dived inside and with a forceful explosion of magic the Ankh morpork city watch box vanished from the square. Everyone stopped staring and got back to their business,deciding it best not to interfere in the affairs of wizards.


	4. Chapter 4

In a quiet stretch of L-space which resembled a tunnel lined with metaphysical books an Ankh Morpork city watch box careered past gaining speed with every passing moment. It went by so fast that the sleeping thesaurus it had whizzed over didn't notice that there was anything out of the unordinary happening.

Now many miles away from the thesaurus the box rattled on with its doors still flapping open,the doctor's hand emerged and snapped them shut. He collapsed before the newly closed door with relief the that the lashing winds of the vortex like space outside were now safely shut out.

"Ok then take us back Rincey,"the doctor said imperatively to his new found friend joining him by the console which Rincewind was clinging to looking rather sick and bemused.

"Err,yes slight problem there Doctor,"he said , "I've never flown this thing on my own before. The librarian was the only one who had enough skill in the Librarial arts to navigate through this blasted dimension. There was a rumour going round the university that in his younger days he alphabetised all of L-space himself."

"Hmm then we're a bit stuck,"agreed the Doctor, "Let me have a go, this is similar to my ship after all."

He grasped a lever at random and made the room tilt wildly,he pulled another and the engine spluttered. A small omniscope on the panel displayed a view of the interdimensional library outside,if outside can exist in a place with no proper space. They were now in a wide open atrium,piled high with books that glowed with magical light. The Doctor stared in confusion at the maze of aisles before him.

"Lets try that corridor"he said. Grabbing hold of the console and using his weight to tilt the whole ship as he had seen the librarian do. They were after all only held up by antigravity devices that Rincewind called broomsticks. He guided it into one of the pathways and vanished into another wing of L-space. "Ah this is hopeless."he admitted, "If this was the time vortex I'd have us back in ten minutes but this is a different kettle of fish altogether. Have you not got a fast return switch?"

"Actually I think the librarian did mention one of them once,that little one there."said Rincewind pointing an unassuming button made of octiron. He clicked it into position and with a resounding lash of momentum the craft tilted on its axis and started heading back the other way,drawn as if by an unseen track on a path through the literary void. Suddenly the room began to judder and vibrate in a bone shaking, finger whitening way that would make an earthquake seem relaxing. The engines went silent and they began to drift.

"No no no!"yelled the doctor,slamming his fist on the console. Rincewind gave a similar lament made up of four letter words.

"What's the matter with this thing Rincewind?"he asked, "You don't have a fault locator do you?"

Rincewind smiled and informed the Doctor, "That I know for a fact,we use it often enough."

The wizard rapped confidently on a little wooden protuberance on the console that the Doctor had thought was some kind of capacitor,a little trapdoor swung open on the side and a little blue head poked out, "What is it now?"squeaked the irritable imp inside.

"Hello again fault locator-"began rincewind.

"I have a name you know!"the imp interrupted as if sick of making this point.

"Ok fine then,hello again Eddy. We seem to have stalled in the middle of L-space,Could you please have a check on the systems?"

"All right ,it is my job I suppose,but I'm taking my break straight after."With this Eddy vanished back into the console and snapped shut the trapdoor. For the next few moments he could be heard muttering and dragging his way through the network of crawlspaces that were built into the walls so he could check all the systems for damage. Eventually he emerged and reported, "Broomstick's rattled out of its bearing,I've shoved it back in,happy now?"

"Yes,thank you Eddy,enjoy your break."said Rincewind as Eddy disappeared back into the console for a cup of coffee in the miniature lounge somewhere in the recesses of the craft.

The doctor was now more confident in the controls and tried the fast return switch again,he and Rincewind high fived as the crystal began to move up and down suggesting that they were in for a normal landing. Holding his breath with anticipation the Doctor flicked the door opening switch without turning, sunlight and the smell of Ankh Morpork drifted in.

They stepped out and saw that they had touched down inside the High energy magic building,Ponder Stibbons stood there staring in astonishment, "Rincewind?" he said in confusion, "What the hells is this thing?"

"Its only the BARDIS sir,"Rincewind muttered, "Sorry about disappearing like that."

"Disappearing,what are you talking about?"said Ponder, "I saw you just now in the library. What does this BARDIS do anyway?"

A look of extreme confusion surfaced on Rincewind's face, "You should know you invented the thing Ponder,its a box that travels through L-Space,its also much larger on the inside. None of that sound familiar?"

"Afraid not but a fascinating idea."Ponder said,already musing over how he might build such a thing.

Deciding they'd done enough damage to the space-time continuum by ensuring the creation of the thing that caused the paradox in the first place, the Doctor grabbed hold of Rincewind's shoulder and pulled him back inside the watch box. The box vanished from Ponder's laboratory and they were back in L-space. "Yeah,I remember my first time paradox,"the Doctor said nostalgically,taking the controls once more...

...Back in the HEM building ponder had completed the first rudimentary doodle of a BARDIS. He pinned it up on the wall proudly and went about getting a team together to start building the thing.


	5. Chapter 5

With a silent gust of air on a quiet street corner somewhere in the shadier side of Ankh Morpork a box materialised with the flame in its lantern guttering profusely. An off duty beggar looked up from his spot on the street then promptly went back to sleep. A drift of fog came through the chill night air as the Doctor and Rincewind stepped out onto the cobbled road laden with dirt.

"No definitely not the right time,"Rincewind said as the cold fog like particles of glass began to attack his ears, "I sometimes walk down this alley and for years now there's been a big clacks relay on top of that warehouse. I think this is decades before I was born."

"Bugrit,"muttered the nearby beggar in his sleep.

"Right then lets try another flight,twentieth time lucky,"said the doctor,in a way that Rincewind thought was far too upbeat. They filed silently back into the BARDIS,the doors snapped shut and it vanished from the street as if it had never been there. The only one who saw it go was a young city watch recruit who later reported back to his commander that one of the Watch boxes had been stolen,only to find out that they didn't exist yet. The commander however liked the idea of them and had them put into production straight away based on the watchman's description,in a dimension far away an auditor of reality knocked over its ink in frustration realising that there was another closed time loop which it'd have to explain to it's supervisor.

Back in the BARDIS the Doctor and Rincewind were so busy trying to get it where they wanted it to go they did not notice the figure of a monk who appeared behind them carrying a broom. He walked over,nudged an elaborate lever on the console then vanished unseen by either of them. The magical engines ground to a halt and they stepped out to see where they'd landed this time.

HELLO AGAIN RINCEWIND,said a hooded figure who was standing outside. He turned to face the Doctor and continued in his droning soul piercing voice: AH AND MY DEAR DOCTOR,YOU STILL HAVE FOUR CONFIRMED APPOINTMENTS WITH ME AND QUITE A FEW INFORMAL ONES.

"Hello again Death,"the Doctor mumbled politely.

"You've met?"said Rincewind,looking confused.

"So many times."the Doctor said seriously. Turning his eyes away from Death the Doctor surveyed the scene around them.

The BARDIS stood on a barren plain stretching as far as the eye could see,the ground was black and an evil orange sun hung in the air. Twisted rocks were strewn all around.

"Can I ask where we are?"he questioned.

ANKH MORPORK,said death flatly.

"No!"said Rincewind in complete shock,the Doctor took it more calmly than Rincewind because he hadn't grown up there,"You mean we're in the future?"

YES I SUPPOSE YOU ARE,A POTENTIAL FUTURE ANYWAY ,explained Death,SEVERAL CENTURIES BEFORE THIS POINT A STRANGE RIP IN TIME APPEARED AT THE UNSEEN UNIVERSITY, WHICH IN ITSELF IS NOTHING UNUSAL BUT THIS TIME THEY WERE UNSUCCESSFUL AT MOPPING IT UP,CREATURES FROM THE DUNGEON DIMMENSIONS POURED FROM IT AND CONSUMED THIS WORLD,WHEN THEY'D EATEN EVERYTHING THEY THEMSELVES PERISHED.I WAS VERY BUSY THAT DAY I CAN TELL YOU.

The Doctor was in silence, horrified as always by death on such a large scale. Rincewind cleared his throat and aired a question,

"Hold on one second,if every one is dead then what are you still doing here?",he hazarded.

WAITING FOR LIFE TO EVOLVE AGAIN,shrugged death,IT WILL BE A LONG WAIT BUT I AM GLAD OF THE FREE TIME.

"But,if,I mean,if there's no living things to believe in you how can you even be existing?" Rincewind asked.

YOU BELIEVE IN ME DON'T YOU?

Rincewind nodded slowly. He certainly did,how could he not after all the times he'd met him.

AND SO DOES THE DOCTOR,THERE YOU GO, THERE ARE PEOPLE AROUND WHO BELIEVE IN ME,UNTIL YOU ARRIVED I DIDN'T EXIST AT ALL,AND WHEN YOU LEAVE I WILL PROBABLY SLIP BACK INTO THAT NON-EXISTENCE.

The Doctor nodded,it all made perfect sense,well more sense than a lot of things that happened to him,"Right nice to meet you again Death but we should be off,maybe we can prevent this reality while we're at it."he said cheerfully.

GOODBYE DOCTOR,said Death,DON'T BE LATE FOR YOUR NEXT APPOINTMENT

With that they slipped back into the BARDIS and instead of dematerialising the Doctor made it rapidly float into the air in order to get a better look at the destruction. As they pulled away from the ground on the omniscope they saw a wider and wider circle of the world until they were looking at the entire disc,it was the same uniform blackened colour everywhere with great canyons cut into the world that had once been seas. They dipped past the disc itself and were now looking at the elephants and the turtle,what was left of them that is. The world now stood on four elephant skeletons and an empty turtle shell. Choking back his sadness the Doctor flicked a switch and they disappeared.

As soon as they were out of that awful time period Death,who stood on the godsforsaken world below,vanished because there were no living beings to believe in Him.


	6. Chapter 6

Across Ankh Morpork the mighty Clacks towers clacked away sending data dancing from tower to tower over the heads of the filthy occupants of the streets below. Of course when you think about it from an objective view there were no messages,just individual towers flapping and making pretty patterns,quite inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. One of these metaphorical messages had metaphorically snaked its way across the disc all the way from Uberwald and now metaphorically dived down Unseen University's tower where it was metaphorically printed out by HEX,mightiest of occult computers.

Ponder Stibbons watched the quill flutter its way across the same roll of paper on which the Doctor 's calculations had been printed out on. They had now vanished into a crumpled pile on the floor that was still being fed by the new message,this one was not in the strange gallifreyan writing that the Doctor had been printing but in ordinary morporkian words,so far all it said was:

==HELLO PONDER STIBBONS==

"Erm,hello?"said ponder absent mindedly to himself,forgetting he was reading a letter sent by C-mail. For a moment after he finished talking the quill scratched out a few dots then continued the message which was presumably still being fed through the now read:

==YES HELLO YOURSELF,LISTEN THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT,THIS MESSAGE IS FROM ME,THE Doctor ==

The next part of the message was another continuous stream of dots, "The Doctor ?"pondered Ponder.

==YES THAT'S RIGHT,HELLO!==

continued the feed of letters,another stream of dots and then:

==IF THIS HAS WORKED YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO TALK AS IF WE ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION,GO ON TRY SOMETHING==

Taken aback Ponder sneezed.

==BLESS YOU==

spat out the machine,it went back to printing dots. Ponder composed himself and asked the message, "Ok I believe you,what do you want?"

==REMEMBER THAT STRANGE TIME CRACK THIS MORNING, WHEN ME AND RINCEWIND VANISHED?==

Ponder nodded,

==ITS NOT QUITE CLOSED,ITS GOING TO OPEN AGAIN AND WIPE OUT THE DISC==

In the privacy of his own head ponder swore very explicitly,

==OI!MIND YOUR LANGUAGE! DON'T THINK WORDS LIKE THAT,THIS WHOLE PARADOXICAL MESSAGE THING IS QUITE GOOD ISN'T IT?I CAN EVEN READ YOUR THOUGHTS OR AT LEAST THE THOUGHTS THAT YOU THINK AND BY COOINCIDENCE I COMMENT ON==

"I see?"said Ponder. He didn't see.

==YOU DON'T SEE BUT THANKS FOR TRYING==

said the message,

==OK THEN NOW ITS TIME TO TELL YOU THE REALLY IMPORTANT STUFF,GIVEN DISCWORLD PHYSICS I'VE READ ABOUT AND WHAT RINCEWIND HERE TELLS HE'S ALIVE TOO, SAY HELLO RINCEWIND.==

Some more dots and then the message said in a slightly different font ==ERR YES HELLO==

More dots and then:

==OF COURSE THATS NOT REALLY RINCEWIND AND THIS ISN'T REALLY ME,WE HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY READ OR SAID WHATS WRITTEN HERE,WE JUST GAVE IT TO THE CLACKSMAN AFTER YOU GAVE IT TO US, WHO GAVE IT TO US,IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT==

More dots and then:

==BUT I DIGRESS,OR AT LEAST THIS MESSAGE WHICH SOUNDS LIKE ITS ME TALKING TO YOU DIGRESSES,WHAT FOLLOWS IS THE SPELL I HAVE CALCULATED WILL KEEP THE BREECH CLOSED UNTIL I WILL BE IN A FEW MINUTES==

What followed was a string of arcahic words that only wizards could understand.

The message continued:

==OH AND ONE MORE THING CUT THIS TRANSCRIPT OUT OF THE ROLL AND GIVE IT TO US WHEN YOU NEXT SEE WE'LL GO THROUGH L-SPACE GIVE IT TO OURSELVES IN THE PAST AND THAT VERSION OF US WILL GIVE IT TO THE CLACKSMEN SO YOU WILL BE ABLE TO READ IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.==

There seemed to be no more. Ponder ripped the strange message from its reel and ran off to find the equipment for the ritual which the Doctor had outlined...

Several years before this confusing incident had taken place the Doctor and Rincewind stood on a high wooden platform in that special strangling cold wind you only get high up. After some of the terrifying heights Rincewind had experienced it was quite relaxing. Just above their heads flaps opened and shut with a satisfying crunch of machinery behind them. People in overalls worked busily clunking heavy impractical levers into place.

One of the men,bearing all the hallmarks of generic underpaid labourers throughout the multiverse stood, talking with the Doctor about his rather strange proposition. The dark and foreboding swamps of Uberwald stretched out in all directions around the tower.

"So you are saying,"said the Clacksman over the roar of the messages, "That you want me to hold onto this scrap of paper for two years and see that what's written on it arrives in Ankh Morpork at twenty three minutes past twelve on that exact date?"

"Thats right,"smiled the Doctor nodding sheepishly.

"That'll cost ya."the Clacksman said shaking his head.

"OK then,Rincewind if you please,"said the Doctor . gesturing to Rincewind who had been silent throughout the entire negotiations.

Rincewind stepped forward and offered up a large sack which had been hidden under his robes,the Clacksman took it and peered inside. It was filled to the brim with gold. The Clacksman's oil stained eyes went wide.

"You have yourself a deal,"he said placing it down with a thud and glancing suspiciously at his subordinates. Thankfully they were all too absorbed in their mind numbing work to pay much attention. He hastily wrote a date on the tangled roll of paper that the Doctor had given him and deposited it into a chunky wooden box used for storing archived messages.

"Ok thank you very much we'll leave you to your clacksing,"the Doctor said to the tower in general and began to descend the rickety steps closely followed by Rincewind. They reached the bottom and slipped back into the BARDIS which they had landed within the defensive wall.

Back in its comforting warmth the Doctor turned to Rincewind and said, "Good thing we landed on that continent full of gold a while back."

Rincewind nodded,lamenting the fact that he had lost the small fortune. "Strange though how we came running up and gave that message to ourselves then gave us the coordinates for that tower."

The Doctor smiled, "Don't worry Rincewind we know what we were doing,or at least we will do. Right then lets make another attempt at getting back,we'll succeed eventually."

With that he slammed a lever and the craft began to lurch through L-space once more...

...By the time the message was sent the Clacksman had retired,he had in fact retired at a very early age because someone had given him a large sack of gold. But he continued to come in and remind all the new workers that the letter existed and must be clacksed under the conditions specified.


	7. Chapter 7

[Ok this is the second from last chapter,apologies in not updating in such a long time]

Even a mediocre wizard knows that magic is normally useless in fighting creatures from the dungeon dimensions. This is because they feed on magic so the more you use the more attractive your world becomes, Discworld magic is said to be a particularly delicious delicacy among the betentacled community.

It is because of this that the spell the doctor had written up was designed to make the magic around the breach seem as unappetising as possible. The chanting of Ponder and his hastily gathered group of students was acting as the magical equivalent of putting too much salt in undercooked soup laced with sewage and being very rude to the customer when they asked for a replacement.

Ponder looked over his shoulder,hearing the BARDIS materialise. Leaving the students to their chanting he hurried over to the watchbox brandishing the roll of paper that had been clacksed to him.

"Ah Doctor,Rincewind,at last you've come back,"he said,full of relief.

The BARDIS door swung open and the Doctor poked out up to his waist,he deftly snatched the paper from Ponder's hand as he said, "Ah,yes,thank you,back in a tick!"

With this the door slammed in a bemused Ponder Stibbons' face. As quickly as it had come the box vanished...

...It reappeared a few streets away but many centuries before,outside a pub simply known as 'the Drum' which was yet to break.

The Doctor and Rincewind got out slowly,another BARDIS parked just round the corner confirmed they were in the right spot.

Inside the Drum sat two slightly younger versions of themselves,from several journeys ago,they were drinking what looked like recycled ale. The doctor gazed around the smoke filled,grubby bar in curiosity.

"What are those hooded figures sitting in the shadows all about Rincewind?"he asked,shooting them another glance.

"Oh probably just from the guild of hooded figures,waiting for their chosen ones I'd expect."mumbled Rincewind,trying to not let them hear.

"The Guild of hooded what? Chosen ones?"replied the Doctor,choking slightly on his beer.

Rincewind sighed,thinking he was done with repeating this history when he left school, "Around this time what is now Uberwald was run by a dark lord called the Evil Emperor who bred all sorts of orcs and such."

The doctor nodded,vaguely recalling that from a Pratchett novel.

Rincewind continued, "There were thousands of magical artefacts which were the only ones that could defeat him and thousands of young boys who were the only ones that could find them.

That's why the guild of hooded figures set themselves up. They met up with these people they had selected to be the only one who could defeat him,making up all kinds of rubbish about them being born under the right stars or being the last in a long line of kings or some such thing.

Then they told them that there was maybe one or seven things they had to seek out and destroy,it got the whole thing done a lot quicker,everyone doing a chunk of the same massive task. It is said that all quest stories throughout the multiverse are echoes of sections of what had to be done to defeat the Evil Emperor."

The Doctor nodded,it all made complete sense. Rincewind was about to continue this history when suddenly the Doctor and Rincewind came through the door brandishing a roll of paper. They thrust it onto the table where they were sitting and The Doctor hurriedly whispered, "Instructions are enclosed,follow them or else."

With this statement he ran out of the Drum and hopped back into the BARDIS,making sure it was the right one.

Back in the Drum a very bemused Doctor and Rincewind consulted the papers while a young man carrying a sword entered the tavern,all of the guild members save one took off their cloaks and hid them under chairs so it looked like there was only one hooded figure rather than a multitude ready to talk to the adventurer. He began to brief the young hero on how to find a lost book which was the only tome in existence that could defeat the Evil Emperor,despite the fact that it was really only volume one in a tenth anniversary set of only tomes in existence that can defeat the Evil Emperor ...

...Several centuries later and a few streets away the Doctor and Rincewind casually emerged into the university, "Right then lets sort this breach out,"said the Doctor rubbing his hands eagerly.


	8. Chapter 7a

[Here it is the eig...7ath and last chapter.]

The Doctor and Rincewind ran up behind Ponder just a few moments after he saw the BARDIS dematerialise,giving the wizard the shock of his life.

"Sorry about that Ponder,"said the Doctor cheerfully, "Just had some wibbly wobbly timey wimey business to take care of,I've got a plan but you're not going to like it."

"Mmm?"ventured Ponder.

The Doctor composed himself and then began to explain, "We have to feed this rift something with a complicated space timeline to give it indigestion,the interdimensional tunnel will be so mangled it'll be impossible for anything to come through with all their atoms still attached."

"And what would you suggest doctor?" Ponder asked,he had a feeling he knew already what the Doctor would suggest.

"The BARDIS,"he replied, "With all the hundreds of paradoxical journalises me and Rincey here have been on it should be perfect."

"I see Doctor,"was a very dejected Ponder's reply, "and do you realise that to build that thing it took the HEM department's entire funding for centuries? all ten dollars of it!"

The doctor thought for a moment and then grinned, "That shouldn't be a problem,"he beamed,"Rincewind,toss me your sonic tool!" 

Rincewind fumbled in his pockets and then chucked the Doctor the noise emitting tube of infinite uses. It had evolved much from the simple silver tube that it had started out as at the beginning of their travels,it now had all sorts of pipes and tubes protruding off it increasing its range of functions,there were fans of steel that spun for no reason at all. Much of its functionality had been improved on by Bloody Stupid Johnson himself when they had met him,although he had only seen it as a mouth organ capable of making animal noises.

The Doctor held it up and waved it around while it whirred away,his own screwdriver was still in his pocket but this required Discworld tech. He stopped waving it and watched as a huge sack of gold came dragging itself over the ground,swearing under its breath, A little blue figure emerged from underneath it which Rincewind recognised as Eddy the fault locator. He gave Rincewind a friendly salute then ran off bringing back another sack.

"We picked up a lot of things on our travels,"explained the Doctor, "On the counterweight continent we liberated a few sacks of gold. That's your funding problem sorted out. Just don't go building too many BARDISes,"as he finished speaking these words Eddy the fault locator finished bringing out the last of the sacks,it made an impressive pile.

Eddy cleared his throat and said as if he was reading it, "By being removed from the device I was installed in you have voided my warranty so I have no choice but to withdraw my services. I hope you have enjoyed using the Eddy™ fault location system. " With that he vanished and retired to the beaches of Ephebe where he worked as a picture box operator in his spare time.

"Right then that breach needs seeing to,"declared the doctor,pressing another button on the sonic tool. The BARDIS floated down corridors at a steady pace a few inches from the ground and touched down right in front of the doctor. Another button on the tool made the doors swing open. He pushed through them and found himself in the wood panelled console room which had been his home now for many travels,he wondered if he would sacrifice his own TARDIS to prevent the destruction of a world as he slammed down controls he was now an expert with. The crystal column rose and fell as outside the internal broomsticks pulled the craft high off the ground,the Doctor pulled another button and it slid through the air until it was hovering just above the rift. It was still surrounded by chanting wizards who were getting bored and waiting till they could go to lunch,like students throughout the multiverse.

The Doctor twisted a dial which was something like an oven timer and then swung the doors open,he made confidently for them with the dial ticktocking violently away. With an impressive dive the Doctor leapt from the door and landed on the grass. He got up and looked around just in time to see the countdown finish,all power dropped from the BARDIS. Gravity took hold and the box disappeared into the void like,well,like a temporal anomaly eating an Ankh Morpork City Watch box.

The rip got smaller and smaller until it was just an ugly hole in the lawn surrounded by ripped up chunks of grass.

"Modo's not going to like this,"muttered Rincewind.

Their job done,the students dispersed. The Doctor strode onto the spot where the rip had been just to demonstrate that it was really gone,Rincewind sidled up behind him and said, "Right then now that that's out of the way all we need to do it get you home."

"I'd completely forgotten about how I was going to get back,how are you going to manage that?"asked the doctor.

Rincewind smiled as he grabbed the Doctor by the hand and led him away...

...The Doctor was manhandled,(or timelordhandled,depending on whether the term manhandle applies to the one who is doing the manhandling or the one being man (or as the case may be time lord) handled)into the sprawling library of the the university. He was now familiar with much of its layout having navigated through all of time and space by its corridors, Rincewind brought him before the ancient carved wooden front desk and knocked on it for attention. The librarian hopped out of his little nest under it and onto the table,he ooked attentively.

"Take the Doctor back to where we found him,Librarian,"explained Rincewind, "He has saved us all,its been a nice break for me."

"Oook!"affirmed the librarian and gestured to the Doctor to follow him.

He was led through sprawling corridors piled to the ceiling with books that writhed and flashed under the chains that held them in place. At one point the Librarian noticed a book that had been wrongly shelved,tutting he paused to put it in its proper place then continued to lead the Doctor through the library which was becoming more magical and distorted the deeper they went. They turned a corner and the Doctor suddenly realised that they were walking down a corridor familiar to him,it was the science section of the biggest library in his own universe,it only took up a whole planet and a couple of space stations so it was not nearly as big as the unseen university's library.

Noticing a particularly dark patch of shadows the librarian pinched the darkness and placed it in his mouth as if he was picking fleas off a fellow orang-utan,the little mites in the shadows,whatever they were, he found in satisfaction he turned into another wing with the Doctor following behind. Turning a corner the Doctor realised that without any kind of teleportation,simply by walking into another room,they had arrived in the library of his trusty old TARDIS. Turning around he realised that where they had entered was now just a shelf of books,interestingly the shelf just happened to contain the complete works of Terry Pratchett. Ooking a last goodbye the librarian turned and vanished back into the bookshelf. The Doctor stood a moment then walked back to the console room,the hum of the engines telling him he was home,he slammed down a control and was off into time and space once more...

...Death,for want of a better word,awoke. Not five minutes ago he had popped into existence to find the disc completely desolated,he had had a good chat with his old friends the Doctor and Rincewind,then popped out of existence again. Now he was standing in the thriving city of Ankh morpork,centuries after the Doctor had left. A glorious sun was in the sky and people were going about their everyday business,beggars begged, theives thove and people busied themselves making money with whatever marvellous technology was in vogue this week but would be gone by next week.

He looked over at the campus of the unseen university,they were launching a few more spaceships to the colonies on the moon and on A'tuin's shell. Death grinned,he didn't have much choice.

BACK TO WORK I THINK

he said to himself,walking away to attend the day's clients.

THE END


End file.
